A Great Big Pathetic Hello

In Nick Hornby's High Fidelity, quite possibly the only British book to have been turned into quite a good American film, there is a character who - presumably owing to overexposure to the modern pop music industry - classifies everything according to 'top 10' and 'top 5' lists. So here we have it, the Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn't Start A Blog.

Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn't Start A Blog
1. You have nothing to say.
This is not necessarily a barrier. The internet is full of people who have nothing to say. So are the more traditional forms of journalism. Say it anyway.

2. You don't have time to write in it.
The whole point of this exercise is either that it fills up your empty days and years (in which case this point does not apply to you) or that it gives you a semi-legitimate excuse for procrastinating about the things you ought to be doing. Not having time is part of the charm.

3. Nobody is going to read it.
It is statistically possible that if no new information appeared on the internet, ever, one day someone might stumble across your lunatic ramblings, if only to find out why they can't have their title/pseudonym of choice because you filched it back in the Dark Ages. This is an improvement upon regular conversation, in which no-one will ever listen to what you say.

4. You have no computer skills.
If you had computer skills, why would you fill out entries in a pre-formulated blog stencil? You'd be like a master bookbinder and part-time illuminator keeping their diary in a mass-produced prefabricated colouring-in book. If you but had computer skills would you not, rather, have your own personally-designed website which would somehow - I know not how - rake in cash for you? Blogs are designed for people like you and I who have minimal technological abilities.

5. You have no computer.
Try the local library. Most of them have put blocks on email, because librarians don't have friends and don't see why other people should too, but perhaps they haven't caught up with this turn of events yet. Or of course there are wonderful things called internet cafes. Personally, I find university libraries helpful in this regard. You may need to be a student to use the internet, but it's good to exercise the machines. Goodness knows they're hardly ever used for study purposes.

6. You have some sort of impairment that may prevent you from some aspect of Blog-Keeping.
Don't be silly. This sort of thing continues because it involves no skill at all. People who've never read a book in their lives can use spell check (although if they don't, they'll fit right in). Insane blatherers are often encouraged to take up internet-related hobbies by their local councils, because their soapboxes were causing pedestrian congestion.

7. You're paranoid about the internet.
Fair enough. But you at least ought to keep a watchful eye on it. And it has to be safer than going outside. There's UV out there, you know. And pesticides and politicians and spiders and Scary Smiling People. There are probably hundreds of calories in all that Vitamin D, too.

8. It's terribly naff to keep a blog.
Once you have actually heard and comprehended the word 'naff', you know it's only a matter of time. Other indicators may include 'philology', 'dearth', and the Parrot Sketch from Monty Python.

9. You haven't the faintest idea what I'm talking about.
Sprechen sie Deutsch? Parles-vouz francais? Why don't you express your utter bewilderment and, I dare say, indignation, with the state of the world and the percentage of incoherent ramblers that it is your great misfortune to meet, by starting a blog of your own in order to vent your spleen at will?

10. All of the above.
Sigh. Once more, with feeling...